In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Then he created a bunch of other stuff.
Then he created man.
He created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has had a single day of peace and quiet.
And to think women are referred to as the ‘fairer sex’.
I think people feel that way because they burn candles, wear Victoria’s Secret lotion and they’re always telling men to put the toilet seat down. Even though I don’t understand why leaving it up is such a big problem.
My question is this – is it that hard for them to put it down? Or, are women all over the world walking into the bathroom not looking at the toilet before they sit down and falling in?
Over and over.
What’s so hard about flipping it down and sitting? Why do they make it a point to tell us we’re inconsiderate? If that were me, it would take one lesson. One cold wet bottom. After all, men learned to put the seat up to avoid being yelled at for peeing all over the seat.
Yanno what? I’m not putting the toilet seat down any more. I’m taking a stand.
Back to my point – women have always been called the fairer sex. After over 40 years on God’s green (mostly blue) earth, I’ve finally figured out an area where men are years ahead of women.
I was in at Tin Lizzy’s Saturday before last and a friend of mine realized she lost her phone. Imagine the look of fear in her eyes when she realized she couldn’t text, Facebook, get on Instagram, Tweet or hold her phone out in front of her face to take at least 3 selfies, and a picture of her tortillas and queso dip.
The search was on.
After walking to the bathroom and going back out to the car – she decided she was gonna dump her purse out on the table to see if maybe it was in the bottom of it.
First of all, her purse was the size of a duffle bag.
What happened next – you probably won’t believe.
Her phone wasn’t in there, but I had no idea the duffle bag would be pack with…
Makeup, gum, hair ties, lip stick, lip gloss, money, half a box of raisins, birthday cards, dried up gummy bears, a spoon, a pair of flip flops, dozens of receipts, birth control, sun glasses, a pack of Kool Aid, an undeveloped roll of film, a pack of oat meal, a mirror, a mini bottle of Rum, pepper spray, an old high school ID card, a fake engagement ring (she called it a decoy ring), aspirin, a pack of ketchup, a little bottle of lotion, paper toilet seat covers, a New Testament Bible, a tape measure, her sorority paddle, a wig, a half-eaten lemon pepper wing, a red thong inside a plastic bag, and a Gnome.
Her purse was like a time capsule of random.
Now I have a question for you ladies…
Are most women’s purses like this?
The only thing missing was a California roll of sushi, a cabbage patch kid, and a note of her telling her high school sweetheart that he wasn’t her first.
With her fast self.
Then it hit me.
Men are much smarter. We don’t need all that randomness. We need three things.
Our wallet in our back pocket. Our keys and cell phone in our front pocket.
We don’t need our whole lives with us. We keep it simple. We are more civilized than women. We are smarter. We are greatest.
So – women you can have your nice smells. You can keep your fancy decorative initialed towels in the guest bathroom that nobody can use. You can keep all those odd shaped frilly pillows on the bed that get in the way when you’re trying to go night-night.
We have our wallets. We have our keys. We have our phones.
And they’re in our pockets.
So ladies, we are the champions.
Now excuse me while I go take a leak.
And I’m leaving the toilet seat up.